my life in a nutshell

Well, if you know me, then you know about the struggles my husband and I have been through within our first year of marriage. And for those of you that dont, let me share my story.

We met through a mutal friend in April of 2007. About 2 weeks later we went on our first date May 4. He took me to a Cardinals game. (for those that dont know, I LOVE me some Cardinal baseball!) About 2 months later I was staying at his house all the time. Our first anniversary came around and of course like any girl who is in love, I was hoping for that shiny little ring. Unbeknownst to me, the plan was in the works! But he was definitely trying to fool me and he did a dang good job. While with 2 of our good friends, we went out to dinner before the Cardinals game and on the way downtown, he pulls out a little grey box and tells me happy anniversary. My heart was racing. Before opening, he tells me that if I didnt like it, I could exchange it. I open the box and it was these HUGE earrings. I didnt know it at the time, but they were his friends fake cz studs. My heart sank into my stomach. We stopped at a bar to have a beer before the game. This being the bar we had our first kiss at. We are standing outside drinking our beers and out of the corner of my eye I notice he hands his friend his empty can and get down on one knee. I turn and he says, "Pam, I love you. Will you marry me??" My response, lol, "are you serious?!?!?" and of course I said yes!  I was the happiest girl ever! All I remember about that ballgame, the Cards vs Cubs and Cards won. It was a great day. I started the planning right away. And on August 22, 2009, we became husband and wife.

The wedding was beautiful. The honeymoon was amazing. We were happy. Then our lives changed.

We found out Sept 17 I was pregnant! Only for the next day I started having some slight complications. Trips back and forth to the doctor for 2 weeks. Numbers in the blood work were looking good, but we couldnt see little bean where s/he needed to be. I was waiting for my next appt to come around, but I didnt make it. I was awoken at 3am on Oct 1 with severe sharp pains. I knew something wasnt right. We rushed to the ER and 4hrs later I was taken into emergency surgery. The pregnancy was ectopic. For those that are unfamiliar, the egg got stuck in the fallopian tube. Most of the time when this happens, the tube ruptures and has to be removed. In my case, the egg got stuck at the very end of the tube and was able to be repaired and saved. Just because I lucked out in that aspect, doesnt mean the pain physically and emotionally was any easier. We lost our baby that we had already loved, dreamed about and had plans for.

I was on strict orders to do nothing for 2 weeks. No driving, no lifting, no working. Nothing. I got to sit at home, in physical pain and remember and cry about the loss of our baby. I have never had to deal with loss before and this was all new to me. I dont care that I was only 5 weeks along, that was our baby. The baby my husband and I created.

We were told we could not get pregnant for at least 3 months to make sure everything was healed properly. For newlyweds, those were the longest 3 months. I thought that the new year would bring us much joy. It took 4 months before we found out I was pregnant again! Those 2 beautiful lines showed up on our 3 yr dating anniversary (May4 10). Went to the doctor right away and was awaiting the following week for my next appt, but again, I didnt make it. On Mothers Day (May 9) we lost precious baby #2 due to natural miscarriage.

Sure in the beginning I had a lot of bad days. Its expected. Only after time, the emotional pain gets easier to deal with, but you NEVER forget. It has been one year since we lost our first precious baby and 5 months since baby #2. I have more good days than bad, but I still have them. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont think about my two angels. And here I sit, waiting for those 2 beautiful lines to show up again sometime soon.

Besides completely remodeling our house in the past year, one beautiful little girl has helped me get through the 2 worst times in my life. My adorable little niece G. My brother and sister in law welcomed their daughter in April of this year. My brother had decided his time in the Army was up and they decided to move back home from Colorado 2 weeks after little G was born. My niece is my sunshine. I love seeing her beautiful smile and seeing how excited she gets when she sees her auntie. My mom babysits her every week so we get a lot of time with her. I love this little girl more than words can describe. Now if only her auntie can give her a little cousin to play with. But until then, I am going to enjoy all the time I get with her.

So, there ya have it folks. That's my story. If you read it all, I thank you. Talking about what my husband and I have been through helps. Pregnancy and infant loss is a very taboo subject and not many people discuss such a personal and tragic experience. But if I can share my story and it helps one other person out there know they are not alone, than I am more than happy to do so.

For those out there that have experienced a loss, my heart goes out to you.

looks like i jumped on the wagon

Well hello all. I finally decided to start a blog. Why you ask? Well, its so I can share my favorite things, photography, writing, cooking, and baking. So why not a better way to do it than here. This will be a mix of things happening in my life, my love for family and friends, and my passion for photography. So, if you decide to read about me, I thank you.